The Art of Self-Assertion: How to Speak Up for Yourself, Even When It's Scary
Difficult conversations don’t always come easy for recovering codependents. Difficult conversations require you to show up for yourself and tell someone else how we feel. Not an easy endeavor when we are used to walking on eggshells and avoiding any sort of confrontation. Typically, the codependent’s goal is to stay quiet to ensure safety from being hurt or abandoned.
I recently experienced a situation where I felt disrespected by another person’s comment made in front of my peers. This is not the first time I’ve experienced this, however it was the first in my recovery where I was disrespected and knew that there wasn’t an option of sweeping my feelings under a rug. The comment that was made was hurtful and made me question my value and worth when I know I am capable and valuable. And, yet I immediately resorted to my codependent patterns of feeling low and wanting to avoid this person at all costs.
My recovery has taught me that those patterns are my inner child responses. This time, my higher self stood up. I recognized that I have a right to communicate my feelings and that this person should be informed of how the comment made me feel. I also can express a boundary for how I want to be treated in the future. I was able to advocate for myself in a safe way. Here’s how I did it:
Feel the feelings. I allowed myself to feel my feelings. I was hurt, then angry by the comment. I also felt too scared to speak up. It took me almost 2 weeks to be ready for the difficult conversation. Take as long as you need to process the feelings, however not too long to miss the window of opportunity and get too far away from when the event occurred.
Write it down. I wrote down what happened documenting the factual details of the situation. I also wrote down how it made me feel and the impacts to me and those around me. Writing it down helped me to process the feelings and gain clarity for how to move forward.
Practice. I rehearsed what I wanted to say to this person with myself and with safe people who could give helpful feedback. It allowed me to focus my message and get comfortable with my voice saying the actual words.
Let go of expectations. I released any expectations of how the other person would show up so I would not be disappointed. I mentally prepared a few scenarios depending on where the other person may take the conversation so that I would be ready.
Speak up and deliver the message. I set up a time to address the person and communicated my thoughts and feelings in a calm manner. I kept my words brief, specific and clear.
In the end, my situation turned out quite well. I was dreading the worst (we often do), when in fact, I received an apology from the person and I felt like I was finally advocating for myself. Turns out, that staying safe is actually standing up for myself vs. staying quiet and suffering in silence.
